


I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew You

by tomfoolery14



Series: Dialogue Prompts [9]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Boys In Love, Communication, Edom Angst (Shadowhunter Chronicles), Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, True Love, loss of magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-10
Updated: 2018-12-10
Packaged: 2019-09-15 20:11:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,129
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16939899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tomfoolery14/pseuds/tomfoolery14
Summary: It had been nearly a month since the trip Magnus took to Edom. He could still feel the way he burned straight through to his bones as he descended through the pentagram, still smell the heat and ash of the barren lands stained red. He had dreams about his father’s cat eyes glaring at him through the darkness and the chilling sound of his low laughter.





	I Used to Live Alone Before I Knew You

**Author's Note:**

> written for the dialogue prompt "i don't owe you an explanation."

It had been nearly a month since the trip Magnus took to Edom.

He could still feel the way he burned straight through to his bones as he descended through the pentagram, still smell the heat and ash of the barren lands stained red. He had dreams about his father’s cat eyes glaring at him through the darkness and the chilling sound of his low laughter.

It felt like the hair on the back of his neck was permanently standing up. He was a far cry from defenseless, but there was such an aching, empty feeling in the pit of his stomach when he realized just how vulnerable he felt without his magic. He didn’t feel like Magnus Bane—the name no longer felt like it fit him when he was a mere shade of who he had been when he chose it. Who was he without that part of him that was like another appendage, a part that had been ripped away?

There was no question in his mind that saving Jace was something that had to be done—Alec couldn’t fight the Owl alone, and there was no telling how many more innocent mundanes would have been corrupted and driven to murder. Even with Jonathan’s reanimation, Lilith’s defeat was a victory for them all. Everything came with a price—Magnus of all people knew that, and the ends justified the means. Or so he told himself when his chest ached so badly that for a moment he couldn’t quite breathe.

He hadn’t told Alec about the particulars of his visit with Asmodeus. The essentials had been moderately discussed in the first few days that followed the spectacular climax; Magnus had hesitated to tell Alec so soon, especially when he was in such a fragile state of mending, but he never could deny him. Neither one had the stamina to flesh out the complexities that lurked beneath the surface when they were still so fragile, frayed and clinging desperately to one another as a lifeline.

Once Alec was well enough to come back home with Magnus to continue his healing, returning to their routine was their first priority for the sake of the stability and comfort it offered that they so desperately needed. Beneath all of it was the scar tissue of the words they never said, unmistakable and unwilling to go away completely.

The days were the worst for Magnus. He had no work to do, no purpose to fulfill, and he dreaded most company because the pity resulted in a dangerous amalgamation of anger and shame that welled up inside of him. He could count on his two hands the people he was willing to entertain in his present condition.

When Alec came home from the Institute at his usual time, he found Magnus standing out on the balcony, watching the city scape below with a vacant expression. “Hey,” he greeted, coming to stand at Magnus’ side with his arms held behind his back.

“How was your day Alexander?” Magnus asked, blinking slowly before turning to face him.

“It was fine,” he replied, leaning his hip on the rough concrete of the railing edge. He looked as if he wanted to say more, but he hesitated for a moment, pressing his lips together.

With a tired sigh, Magnus ran his fingers along his jaw to feel the sharp scratch of his facial hair. “I don’t want us to do this to each other, Alec. This isn’t who we are.”

Alec nodded in agreement, jaw flexed. “You don’t owe me an explanation, and I can’t even begin to put myself in your shoes to know what you’re feeling. I know you’re hurting but I’m scared that I’ll make it worse. I’m the one—”

Pressing his fingers to Alec’s lips, Magnus stopped him in his tracks. “Don’t say that. You’re not responsible for the decision I made. You’re right about one thing, though—I don’t owe you an explanation.  But if I keep this inside of me, just letting it fester and rot, it’s going to hurt us both.” Offering a small, wry smile, Magnus added, “Haven’t we been through enough without that too?”

Alec’s just looked at him for moment, eyebrows furrowed and mouth set, before he enveloped Magnus in the tightest hug he’d ever received from him. Alec pressed his face against Magnus’ neck, rubbing his palm soothingly across Magnus’ broad back. “I love you,” he whispered, voice slightly muffled. “Nothing is ever going to change that. I’m with you.”

Allowing his eyes to close, to be exposed and vulnerable, Magnus leaned into the hug. Allowed himself to be held, with all of his brokenness and darkness. When he stood before Alec with nothing left to offer but his battered soul, that was enough, and he felt a single tear slide down his cheek and land on Alec’s shoulder.

“Talk to me,” Alec urged, bringing one hand up to cradle the back of Magnus’ head, maintaining the embrace.

They’d done this once before, to humble themselves before the other and admit their faults and wrong doing. They stood in the hall of the Institute as equals, confessing their damages and still stood as close as lovers do.

“It was horrible, Alexander.” Magnus had never heard his own voice so fragile and thin. “My father showed me his eyes, the eyes we share, and embraced me like a father should, but it was all wrong. I can take his mockery and contempt but he didn’t stop there. Things that I still can’t…can’t bring myself to say aloud that I did with him as a child, he taunted me with, reminding me of the darkness he nurtured in me. When I asked for his help, he demanded a price I can’t pay, I won’t pay, so he took the next most devastating thing from me.”

“Did it hurt?” Even with his lips by Magnus’ ear, Magnus could hardly hear Alec speak.

“Like being torn apart,” he admitted. “Like having a limb amputated without being anesthetized. It lasted a moment but it felt unbearably long. But when it was over, that was when it was the worst. That emptiness I felt inside of me… It was like a black hole had settled in my chest and taken everything with it.”

Alec’s grip on Magnus’ head tightened slightly, fingers caressing in a gentle counterpoint. “No. Not everything. You’re still you. No one can take that from you—not even Asmodeus. And nothing will take me from you.”

“It’s over, Alexander.”

“No,” Alec insisted, finally pulling back to look at Magnus with unwavering determination burning in his eye. “No, it’s not over. You and me, we’re going to fix this. Together. We’re going to get what’s yours. I promise you.”

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on [tumblr](http://royaltybane.tumblr.com)


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